Category: Joke Board
HOW TO POOP AT WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince
ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping
at
work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for
other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if
they
catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.Pretend it did not happen.
If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear
it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke
or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do
not
panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.This
reduces
the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help
you
avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk
up
the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in
and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not
exist.
This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY
FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will
often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out
Of
The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex.
This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the
stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye
contact.
CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in
a
stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or
to
alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars
that you are occupying a stall. This will all doubt that the stall is
occupied.
If you hear an Astaire,leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop
in
peace.
WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
coming
on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet
water.
Often acompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This
person
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
the
pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as
well
as other bathroom attendees.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of
life!
I've known the odd burglar
yes, I heard that about you, hahahaha
cheek! jeez you cant trust anyone these days. smile